Still not ok.

Things haven't been anything close to ok in a long time. I'm honestly forgetting what it feels like to be ok.

While recent events should make me feel less ok, they're honestly making me feel better in my own little way.

So here it is.

I know I'm a tremendously vain, self-centered, and selfish person. There's no denying that. I need a lot of attention. I tend to ignore people because my spotlight NEEDS the attention. Blame my childhood. Blame my adulthood. Blame my general terror about life in general. Make sure you blame me, though. Admitting all of this won't make it instantly ok, especially if I've been snubbing you lately.
I'm sorry, by the way, if I have. Apologizing now probably doesn't do much to help. From here on, though, call me on it. Tell me I'm overdoing it, or that I need to back off/cool down. Tell me that you need attention, too. Be mean. Be nice. Be whatever you think I deserve. Make me feel things. Slap me, if you want. Don't be afraid of what might happen.

My life is in the middle of a few Big Changes. If you can't support that I'm trying to be a better person, you know where the door is. It'll be easier for all of us if you use it now. I won't run damage control, I won't try to fix everything. I'll miss you, sure, because I trusted you enough to be myself, but I won't blame you. I'll be a bit jealous. Most days, I wish I could walk out the door and leave me behind.

A couple months ago, someone I tried way too hard to be friends with after a misunderstanding turned into a full-blown "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU NO MORE" fight (lacking only the Frenchmen to throw cows and taunts around) informed me that I've changed, and that I wasn't the person she loved when we first met. It's true, in many ways, that I'm not the same person I was when any of us met. It hurt because she was half the reason I made any progress in my head at all. She was one of the few people who was there when the story came spilling out. For lack of better terms, it sucked. Our entire reconciliation was strained and for the sake of a mutual friend. The whole thing was a mistake, but at least she had the balls to walk out when she realised it. I would've sat forever, afraid to say anything.




And then there's the rest of me. The part of me that will want to just stop and sob hysterically over losing you. The part that will be furious about me using poor sentence structures when I try to rationalise this all in my head.
I'm going to be upset. Losing friends sucks, especially when I was comfortable enough to not hide behind the walls I've always hidden behind. In the end, though, it's like being dumped by the person you thought was 'The One'. It sucks. I'll cry like an idiot. I'll pretend I'm perfectly fine with you leaving, then I'll post an angry blog/facebook message/send a few angry texts. Eventually, though, I'll get over it and move on with my life.


Losing anyone you care about is not pleasant, but honestly, I'd rather it happens now. I stand by what I said. If you can't support me, you're not my friend. It's not worth the effort on either of our parts to try to fix it. If the trust isn't there, it won't be there again.