Stuff

I am clearly not adult enough to update my own blog more than once every seventeen years.
That's fine, though. I can handle my own lack of maturity. I've been handling that for the better part of my life, after all.

A close friend of mine died last night. It's so weird to SAY that. I've been fighting the fact that he's gone all night, all morning, right up until now. He was never past tense to me, and he still isn't. Perhaps I'll cope with it better after the funeral. Perhaps not. Regardless, he's still an unbelievably important person in my life, and that will never change. I refuse to accept that death is just the end of all things. I don't believe in an afterlife. Death is just the end of the physical being. It can never take away my memories.

I've been so mad at myself for feeling as close to normal as I've felt in years, mad because what right do I have to be ok? One of the best people I've known is gone. How dare I?
He would be so mad at me now if he could see how I've been beating myself up over something this silly again. This has to stop. All this self-torment, all this negative self-talk. It has to end NOW.
And that, right there, is why I'm going to go right on being ok. Whether or not I have the right to be ok at this point in my life is a battle for a different day. I am, for once, in the middle, stable, not in danger of falling off the tracks.

And you know what?
It feels pretty fucking fantastic.



Song of the day:
Beautiful Gas Mask - The Mountain Goats