Psychoanalyze me, Captain!

It's been more than a month since my last post.
Thanks again for the support, everyone.

Today, I'm going to talk about my one completely irrational fear.
Zombies.

I'm utterly terrified of them. I think it's mostly because I'm kinda fat and lazy and I have asthma, so if I ever need to run like hell, my chances of survival are pretty slim. Beyond that, I'm just scared.
Perhaps this fear stems from the fact that zombies aren't aware of WHO they were, or what they're doing, or worse, who I am. The other day, I had the "zombie dream", in which my entire town is zombified and I'm the only survivor. I'm running like crazy through town, waiting for the sun to come up because that's somehow my only chance of surviving, and when I get home, the Army is outside my apartment and Fiance is a zombie. I walked home from work last night comparing why my dream could not be real because of silly little things, like the bag of fortune cookies I had in my hand and the rock concert that was going on downtown. The nightmare is made all the more frightening by the little similarites I've managed to draw between dreams I've had and my real world life months (and sometimes years) later.
Zombies are irrational, unaware, and just want to kill me. I don't think I'd ever be able to get past whether or not I knew the person before, or what they meant to me. It's why Fiance is the zombie in my dream, and why he's the person I dread finding the most. My mind intentionally puts me in the situation I'm most afraid of, and I don't know how to handle it.

A lot of people poke fun at my terror, and honestly, it is a little silly. I always say it's the most legitimate of my fears, but spiders are at least REAL. Spiders can genuinely fuck you up. Zombies? Well, I shouldn't have to worry about them. The problem, of course, is that I DO worry. I spend an absurd amount of time worrying about something that I wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about. Honestly, I would probably make it to Day Two of the Apocalypse and find some way to die rather than face this fear.


I grew up with a pretty solid sense of what is real and what is fictional, but zombies are the one thing I've never been able to place on either side of the line. I had no problem watching vampire movies, because vampires (for the most part) maintain some part of their humanity. Zombies aren't even remotely "human". Watching five minutes of a zombie movie makes me feel horrible, scared, alone, and occasionally queasy. Silly, yes. Terrifying? Yes. I willingly admit it's an unlikely occurence, but that tiny little bit of doubt about it has found enough room to take root and grip me in my own fear. A little drop of doubt. That was all it took.